Hello, I haven’t blogged in a long time due to various reasons. One of them being not having enough spare time and actually feeling better recently. However, as usual, my mental health has gone a bit down hill again and this has inspired me to do this blog post.
I am often conscious and aware that my mental health can make me very difficult to be friends with at times. The constant paranoia that the people I care about (and who care about me) are secretly against me or hate me causes me to lash out at friends due to trust issues; causing arguments and taking small comments to heart. I understand that this is very difficult for the people around me and I don’t expect sympathy as I’ve realised I need to deal with these thoughts in healthier ways.
My mental illnesses make me feel like a burden to those around me and those negative thoughts make me want to isolate myself for the sake of the amazing people who I believe deserve better from me. However, I don’t want my mental health and intrusive thoughts to ruin the happiness I do have in my life and I am making a promise to myself and to others to challenge the horrible illnesses that have ruined a large portion of my teenage years. I will no longer be the victim to the controlling chemical imbalances in my brain. It’s easy to write these words at the moment and I know that I will have more downs before things get easier and I hope my friends and family can support that and know that I do care and appreciate them and how they’ve stuck by me when I’ve been at my worse.
When on holiday in Prague I was labelled, “toxic,” by someone I considered a close friend. That was probably the worst thing to be called as I never have intended to be a bad or toxic person, and I still can’t work out if there was any truth behind the label. I am trying to think positively and work on bettering myself so that word cannot be used against me again. I don’t want to blame my mental illness for me being a bad person, but I am hopeful that I am not a bad person even though my head makes me think that I am.
I’m not really sure if this blog post will help anyone reading as I’ve mostly been talking about myself but I’m sure someone out there will relate to feeling worthless / a burden to other people and I want to say that you are not. You are not a bad person. You are not defined by your mental illness and don’t let it define you. Mental illnesses can cause some ugly symptoms, symptoms that are rarely spoken about and acknowledged. Things like: doubting peoples true intentions, impulsive behaviour, isolation by cancelling or avoiding plans, numbing bad thoughts with alcohol, causing arguments to see if people actually care because you don’t know any other way to validate peoples feelings for yourself and many other things. These unhealthy symptoms can add to negative stereotypes surrounding mental illnesses, but these are not your fault.
All I can do now is acknowledge the bad symptoms and have some more thought about the other people in my life and how my actions can affect them. Now I can be more aware of when my mental illness is acting up and hopefully my loved ones can also be aware and gain some understanding of why I can be like this.
I’d love it for people reading this to check out the mental health charity MIND and to educate themselves a bit more on different mental illnesses and their symptoms. It would also be great if you could donate (even if it’s £1) to support Mind’s campaign for better mental health services such as crisis care, the support phone line and talking therapies. Even if you don’t suffer from mental health problems yourself, you could be helping the many people that do.
This was quite a wordy post so thank you if you’ve read this far. I will continue to be using this blog in order to speak about my experiences and struggles and the struggles of others in order to spread awareness about mental health and show people that they are not alone in their journey.
If you need any advice, or just a friendly chat you can contact me on my personal email firstname.lastname@example.org or via twitter @oouija – I am more than willing to help and offer support as much as I can do.
Love to everyone